Setting the Tone for Connections

I’ve just returned from one of the most amazing and fun weekends of my life. In my previous post, I talked about Setting the Tone for Connections. The realizations I express there helped lead me to the ones I'm describing here.

As I’m catching up via text with one of my close friends, Zach, I tell him how Mike Veny helped me realize some major things this weekend through our conversations and then through my own reflection. Zach asks:

I may have been able to put these realizations into the space of a screenshot, but they are truly huge for me.

Mike and I were taking a moment on the balcony to reflect and take in the scenery while we were on campus at the University of Vermont for the 4th Annual Young Adult Voice Movement Conference. The participants were having fun inside, dancing to loud music and watching themselves on the projector screen. Mike had just given his presentation on feeling disconnected, and the combination of the presentation, the setting, and the wonderful energy from the participants made it a safe and welcome place to talk about whatever was on our mind. One of the things that Mike talks about in his mental health presentations is the huge difference we feel when talking about our challenges in “safe places” vs. the rest of the world. I intentionally put “safe places” in quotations because Mike and I envision that everyone has the ability to work towards transparent relationships which are inherently safe, non-judging, and trusting. As I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I answered his question, I also felt a simultaneous comfort knowing that even if I were crying in the middle of the room - of what was then dancing young adults -  wouldn’t be judged. I was in a safe place.

Leading up to this conference, I’d talked to Mike a couple of times about how I felt disconnected all of the time, and how painful it felt. Now that we had a moment in person, he was asking for clarification of my feelings.

“You know, it’s funny,” he started. “One of the things that struck me when I first met you is that you were connected,  so why do you feel so disconnected?”

Such a simple question, and a natural one for him to ask at that. When we first met back in October of last year, we clicked right away. Our first conference together, people were asking me, “so do you go to every conference with Mike?” We worked so fluidly together that our fellow participants had no idea we had just met. You can’t fake that.

He got me thinking about the answer to that question. Why did I feel so disconnected? I am not very close with my family, and I know that this is part of the disconnected feeling, but lately I’ve made peace with the relationships I have with my family members, at least for right now. Despite the pain it has caused me in the past, this wasn’t the reason. And for years now, I have considered four people, two of them women, two of them men, my best friends. I have four best friends and have made some new friends since January that are great people who will be in my life for at least a few years. So why did I feel so disconnected?

When I took stock of the relationships that I had, that were great, that made me feel good, the only relationship missing was that of a significant other. This is the disconnected feeling that hurts me so much. If I could sum it up, I’d say that as I have grown into an awesome person, by my own definition, it pains me that my Mr. Right hasn’t just found me somehow to sweep me off of my feet. I write it that way on purpose. I need to see how silly, childish, and impatient this is. To top it off, I also currently know that I’m not even ready for that relationship yet. I’m not ready for any serious romantic relationship, and despite how my heart feels, I believe it would be wrong of me to get seriously involved because of the intense personal growth I am feeling.

I am not disconnected, nor unloved, nor ignored. I am simply focusing my atte

ntion to a self-deemed inappropriate place, and then masking that painful, impatient feeling through comments that will pull people closer to me, like saying “I am sad because I feel so disconnected.” I don’t need to tell you that this is backwards as all hell.

It feel fantastically amazing to have a better understanding of this, and to feel how I am already losing some of the weight of me clinging to this “disconnected” feeling.

The second realization is humorously just as backwards. At least to me it is.

As a child and teen, I was a shit-talking bully. As an adult, I’ve traded the bully behavior for withdrawn behavior. As a child I would lash out at people so that they would feel some of the pain I felt, as an adult I decided to swing the pendulum all the way over, withdraw myself from people, and then I couldn’t hurt them. When I decided to start doing this, I was tired of hurting people close to me. I had also been politely told by my two best lady friends, separately, that they were hesitant to introduce me to new people or invite me to parties literally because they were afraid I would not “play nice” and I would be a heinous bitch. It was quite the painful, but necessary, wake up call.

I’ve had a lot of trouble finding balance between the two places, and I’ve had trouble expressing the way I feel towards the people I love. I feel that this comes from a huge lack of positive examples of expressions of love and affection when I was a child. I recognize that I interact with loved ones mostly the way my dad does: not often, a bag of emotions when I do, and some underplaying “bro talk” to lighten the feeling of delivering a heartfelt message. It’s common for me to call my close friends “fuckers.” I do find humor in this, but I recognize that I also say it because it’s not overly sentimental, and that’s more comfortable for me.

However, while I might communicate with you like a “bro,” I am still a woman. By modeling my behavior after my dad - who was more connected with us than our mom - I have pulled myself away from some of the words and behaviors I want to receive by unconsciously setting a tone of separateness or setting emotional boundaries.

Physically, I can recall multiple times in my life where I may as well have been fla

t out begging for attention or an embrace in my head, but was unconscious of the distant and detatched verbal and nonverbal communication I was sending to my audience. Maybe I was with a guy I liked, and I realllllly wanted to cuddle on the couch, but I was so afraid of being rejected that I might keep my distance from him while continuing to secretly hope that he would come to me. I wish I was kidding about this, but this is something I struggle with to this day.

These two realizations have brought my mind a feeling of clarity and hope that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. Mike, I can’t thank you enough for being you, and for asking a simple question that deserved an honest answer. I’ve already started changing the way I talk to people, and I’ve seen some positive results. I’m reminding myself of something I truly believe in my heart - that you don’t find love when you’re looking for it. I have to focus on myself and find my inner balance, purpose, and happiness before I can expect myself to be the woman that my man deserves. I write it that way because I really do feel like I still have some big growing up to do before I’m the woman that the kind of man I want wants to be with. It has been a tough, but liberating realization.

I am going to be a happier and more fulfilled person if I find and develop my passions now and then incorporate my relationship into them, instead of cultivating a relationship and then trying to fit my passions into it after.

I am setting the tone for the relationships I want by growing into the kind of person I want to be connected with.

I am not disconnected, I am simply uncomfortable in my current growth because so much is changing. But it is changing for the better, it is changing in the ways that I want, and if I have the patience and focus to stay on track I will be happier later than I ever thought I could be before.

I am also not alone. I am not alone in my feelings or my struggles, and I am not the first person nor the last to feel them and go through them. Knowing I am not alone then, whenever I feel alone, it is most likely my own lack of focus or fabrication leading me to feel that way. I LOVE this, because it means I don’t have to feel that way any more. Neither do you. :-D

I am setting the tone for the relationships I want by maintaining my mental focus.

What attitude or perspective has held you back from something you wanted?

Reflections on Connecting Through Drumming

This  past weekend I had the joy of assisting Mike Veny speak about mental health, lead 200 people with a teambuilding activity and two drum circles at the 4th Annual Young Adult Voice Movement Conference held at the University of Vermont in Burlington. The conference consisted of 15-21 year old young adults who live with mental health challenges first hand from a variety of experiences including broken and/or abusive homes, living as a non-english speaking refugee in the U.S., or autism, for example (not an all inclusive list, btw). It was the first mental health conference or event I’ve ever been to, and I was truly blown away.

On a daily basis I struggle with anger issues as well as feeling alone and/or disconnected. It’s so easy for us - excuse the cliche - to be wrapped up in our own lives and our own problems. When the first groups of attendees began to enter the conference room Friday night, I was struck by their simultaneous excited energy and their nervousness. I watched from afar and could tell some of the young adults felt disconnected from the group, maybe insecure, and definitely unsure of themselves. I smiled inside because I could identify with them - even as I stood in the center of the room with Mike banging out time on an agogo bell. While Friday night was great, and inspired two huge realizations, it pales in comparison (for me) to our two drum circles on Saturday.

Due to some logistical confusion accompanied by an 8:30am start time, our first workshop consisted of only six participants. The second included about 15 people. Now me being little Miss Plan It Out, I had a brief mental “qkwefydicwdebguixgfwyeiuxwgeriu?!?” when I realized that nothing was going according to plan. We planned on having a full room for both circles. Mike, in contrast, was characteristically unphased. “Alright guys,” he began, “we’re going to go ahead and play a game while we wait for the others to show up.”

Since the group was so small, I didn’t actually have to assist with anything this time. I mean, usually I keep time for the group on the agogo bell, but with only eight people in the circle it was unnecessary, so I became a member of the drum circle just the same as the participants. I felt different than the group, partially because of my age, partially because I have very few interactions with their age group, but mostly because I was focused on our perceived differences. When I realized this, I shifted my focus completely to the circle and to drumming. I’m very glad that I did.

The youngest person in our circles was 15, and the oldest... had a head of grey hair and a warm, grandfatherly smile. Didn’t even matter. After the first game, I really felt connected with the group. In both drum circles. I really felt that they felt connected with each other - including the participant who was clearly shy and unsure about drumming and being loud. He might have looked unsure, but he was still smiling. The high energy participant in the second group, who had trouble not speaking out of turn, was still happy and excited in their face as we played games and drummed together even when they didn’t have everyone’s attention. No one said, “hey I feel connected!” until the very end, when Mike asked us to talk about how we felt and what we learned. The communication I was receiving while drumming was all nonverbal, or at least not articulated. In the moment I went with it, but as I reflect on the moment I’m blown away and filled with emotion.

In two short drum circles in one morning, I saw just how powerful a common positive experience could be, particularly when experienced with an open mind. Since we could simply express our feelings and our role in the group through a slap or a tap, I think we all felt safe doing whatever came natural to us. Some drummers banged their drums, others were happy to tap a simple and even whimsical beat. This is the kind of environment teams are striving for all of the time. This was the kind of trust my colleagues and I were trying to cultivate in my day job, and here we achieved it as strangers by coming together shoulder to shoulder as equals, listening and accepting one another through the guidance of a leader who has the awareness and maturity to let the group express itself as was natural to them. I’m actually shaking my head in awe right now. That’s how powerful this was for me!

How can you apply this to your life?

Carry around a drum and ask everyone to play with you, duh! ...Just kidding! :-)

What I got from this is that a simple and fun activity as equals, as peers, showed me that our group had good intentions and a positive attitude even during their personal struggle. If we had to go from that drum circle to being a project team, I would be more willing to listen and understand my teammates because I had already bonded with them. I feel I would also be slower to judge their words and actions. I was also inspired by their spiritual perseverance to let go and have fun. I should do that more often myself.

I learned how important it is to be and remain aware of nonverbal communication. If I had waited until the group told us how they felt, I would have missed out on being connected with them. I’m going to make an aware effort to “listen” to nonverbal communication and let it satisfy me more, and to allow people around me to communicate acceptance and trust without having to articulate it to me. I recognize that I enjoy words and putting my feelings into words, and pushing others to verbally clarify their feelings is about satisfying my own desires, and not about respecting and caring for theirs. I’m very glad I see this now!

We don’t need to have wild getaways, vacations, crazy picnics, or even drum circles to feel connected - although these kinds of activities can help and create powerful memories. The most important aspect to feeling connected is to be open to being connected. Sure, the drumming was goofy and fun, but the power of the circle was our willingness to be open and to have fun. If we didn’t open ourselves to the experience, we would not have had as much fun, or felt as connected. If we had gone into the circle with a negative mindset, we would have been holding ourselves back from the joy, fun, and connected feeling we achieved by trusting and accepting each other.

I can’t wait to participate in another one of Mike’s drum circles! However, since I do have to wait, what are some games and or ideas you have to bring your team or family together?

An Invitation

April 14, 2013

I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for a long time now. Years. Even as I write the words, it feels a bit cliche. And I find myself thinking, “why do I want to write a blog? What would I write about, and what would be the purpose?”

I smile to myself when I remember I don’t really need a reason why. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter for you, either. The fact of the matter is that I have an itch to write and spill my guts onto your screen. And I don’t even know who YOU are, but that’s the exciting part.

I am constantly fascinated by the world we live in when I am not being disgusted by it. Ultimately, I want to share my fascinations. I want to geek out with you. I want to connect with people who I would likely never meet in person, but undoubtedly share similar interests with and have the potential for a mutually beneficial and rewarding relationship.

______________________________________________

June 5, 2013

I am happy that in the month and a half time gap between the above statement and now, that I have found a purpose for my blog. Two, actually. The first one, Changes and Challenges on a Path to Understanding, is my blog about my mental health challenges and the realizations that are helping me to grow and be a more happy and balanced person. The other blog, Leadership Wins (which is so new it doesn't have a post at the time of this being published), is simply a place to write about and open a conversation from a short story that displays a universal win for leaders. Understanding is about getting through my pain to be healthier, and Leadership is about celebrating the small victories and learning from them at the same time. When you’re on a healing path, both elements are critical to long term success. Actually, I would say that understanding and leadership are crucial elements of character for the duration of your entire life, don't you think?

I invite you to be a part of my journey :-)

Starting Now

I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior that makes little practical sense, but seems quite common. I have noticed that I will delay beginning a project with the intent and defense that I need more information before starting, that I need to learn more and study so I’m equipped to ace the project.

I’m calling bullshit on myself this time.

I enjoy writing, am college educated, was almost an English major, and have plenty of time to use a computer - as has been proven by my social media usage over the past several months. So for this particular project, starting to write my blog, there isn’t a good reason I didn’t start years ago. I thought about listing my excuses here, but really, they’d be the same ones you’re making up for me now, so what use is that? I don't really need to explain to you that I was just making excuses to myself because I was a little afraid, and because I wouldn't know how to measure my writing, and because I didn't know what to expect, do I? ;-)

So instead of learning about blogging and reading lots of blogs and learning cool buzz words so I can write like the cool kids, I’m just going to start now. I have no idea what I’m doing, except for my vision to share with you my story of change as I fight through my mental health challenges and begin embracing a process to be and feel balanced emotionally by understanding myself better.

I have to thank Mike Veny, my friend, mentor, and boss, for pushing me to write by subtle and not so subtle means. Thanks to him I decided to sit down at That One Spot  at lunch today and complete my weekly goal before I even emailed it to him. Boom!

Writing about mental health challenges is one of the last things I ever saw myself writing about publicly, and that's precisely why I want to do it now. For one thing, having rarely had the subject on my intellectual radar, it's going to feel vast and new for a long time. On the other hand, part of my process to feel comfortable with myself includes being transparent. I have anger issues, yo. I have fear of abandonment issues. I'm a people-pleasing perfectionist in denial about it, and I'm learning just how common all of that is. I am excited for how this writing process will inevitably help me live transparently, because I tend to hide how I feel even at my own emotional or sometimes tangible loss, and because as an entrepreneur it's going to strengthen my business skills in the best possible ways.

Perhaps I’m most excited to open myself up and share some of my favorite as well as most challenging aspects of my character with people who are currently strangers, but who will later be friends having deep conversations with me. I get to travel often, and I love meeting new people. I also delight in connecting with people through social media, so don’t be shy. :-D I'm excited for the ways in which YOU are going to affect my progress and development that I won't see coming. I'm looking forward to truck-to-the-face discoveries that resonate within me for years, and I'm excited to share them with you.

Oh, and by the way, it only took me about an hour to write this post. It only took me an hour to begin something I’ve been procrastinating for years. As I'm getting ready to publish my post, I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty happy with myself. 

I encourage you to call bullshit on yourself, to get up off of your ass, and to start that project that you know damn well you're past qualified for and should have already started. ;-) Then tell me about it!